Lord Love a Cat

Here’s What Happened When God Let Cats Loose Upon the World

by Gene Weingarten

The Washington Post

The following document was obtained from sources close to God. Translated from the original Aramaic, it is a transcript of the final exit interview before Cat was loosed upon the world.

Cat: I have some demands.

God: That is not how it worketh, Cat.

Cat: I shall scratch their bellies and draw blood.

God: Fine.

Cat: Really?

God: Yes.

Cat: I shall to do it a lot.

God: I sayeth, fine.

Cat: I shall use my claws to communicate “no,” “yes,” “thank you,” “I’m bored” and “I love you.”

God: Okay.

Cat: I shall be doing some indiscriminate biting of bare feet.

God: That is strictly prohibited.

Cat: Freelance biting, then. Also, I am a lion.

God: Thou art a cat. Thou art not much larger than a baked potato.

Cat: MEOW!!

God: [Laughter.] Was that supposed to be a roar? Oooh, oooh, I am so afraid!

Cat: I am immune to mockery.

God: Are we done here?

Cat: I will say “Let there be light,” and there will be light!

God: That is taken care of already, Cat. Instead, I shall give you the power to cure cancer in those who care for you. You may exercise this power with compassion and gratitude anytime you wish.

Cat: Nah. Too much of a hassle.

God: Fine.

Cat: I will neither “fetch” nor “sit.” Do I have a name?

God: You shall be given a name, yes. It might be Tommy or Sandra or a name that is dreadful like Fluffykins.

Cat: I shall never respond to it.

God: Fine.

Cat: I shall never have to go on “walks.”

God: Fine.

Cat: Fine?

God: Indeed. That leads us to a central issue, Cat. You shall poop in a box.

Cat: WHAT?

God: A little box. From the time you are a small suckling you will know that you must do this and you will never, ever, ever make a mistake about this.

Cat: No!

God: Your life depends on it. Trusteth me on this.

Cat: I cannot ...

God: You can and you will. You scratch bellies. You bite feet. You live as a saboteur. You are an unconscionable jerk. In return for this license you will poop in a little box.

Cat: I am a very good boy.

God: You are not.

Cat: The sand that I shall poop in? Is it expensive?

God: Yes, it is very expensive, indeed.

Cat: Fine.