Finally, dipped my toe in and drowned.
Yes, at the urging of members of my family, I entered the smartphone pool.
But only a weensy bit: an AT&T Gophone.
First, I couldn't figure out how to open the package.
Then I couldn't figure out how to remove the back of the case. (Thanks to a friend who showed me how.)
Then I couldn't figure out how to change some basic settings.
Next I couldn't figure out how to get the pre-purchased minutes usable.
Then I made two members of my immediate family nervous when I messaged them. They responded "Who is this?" I assumed they would see my name.
Finally, the phone locked me out, and no matter what I did, it stayed locked.
After an hour with a helpful AT&T woman online (who answered "Because I have three kids and have been married for sixteen years" when I asked how she could be so patient helping people like me all day long), the phone is working again.
Until I fail again.